Junior Jokes

Situation 1: Action-packed Settings

My Juniors just finished up their unit on Huckleberry Finn and satire. Can I get a HALLELUJAH?! Anyway, they took a test on it and during the matching portion, one of the questions was, "what is the main setting of this story?" Well, I got plenty of right answers, some wrong answers and one SOOOOOO wrong answer. One of my students, who is not special ed nor a 2nd language learner, answered this question ' G. Ms. Watson.' WHAT?! I was peeved. Really? FOR A SETTING?!

Well, unfortunately most of my class did fairly horribly, so we went over it and I told them they needed to actually read the questions, because "Ms. Watson is in fact a human making her an illogical choice for a setting, which is a time or place." Well, one of my wise guys has to chime in, "But Ms. Hammer, Ms. Watson could be a setting...if you really think about it."

Annoyed I say, "Enough already. A setting is a place wherein the action of a story takes place."

The student replies, "Exactly. Action could take place in Ms. Watson." And then he smirks to himself.

FILTHY, NASTY CHILDREN!


Situation 2: Teacher Tears

My Juniors are starting a unit on Transcendentalism and yesterday we talked about Nature and Philosophy. My 5th period SUCKED and like 1 person did their homework. Needless to say, I was irritated! Well, I was already mad by 7th period, figuring that their performance would be more of the same....but they totally did their homework! AND THEY STAYED ON TASK ALL PERIOD!!! While they were working I told them I was so grateful that they were being so well-behaved and that I was so happy I could cry little teacher tears.

One students laughed and was like, "what are teacher tears?"

Before I could answer another student interjected, "they are made of chalk".

Everyone laughed and I said, "so they poof when they come out and leave little puffs of dust all over my face."

Then they were like, "what if teacher tears were apples? That would be AWESOME!"

And I said, "Dude, if my tears were apples I'd cry all the time! Apples are delicious! And fresh produce is expensive!"

          If all teacher tears were apples and chalkdust, oh what a world this would be...

Situation 3: Not Natural 

Same day and class as the teacher tear scenario, one of my students and I get into a philosophical debate about the question, "what is nature?" Well, I set them thinking about this and they are supposed to be looking at Emerson's essay on Nature to pull out some key ideas about what nature is and what we can learn from it. In the corner I hear a few students mumbling and then start talking, "...Freshman this and Freshman that." So I chide them by saying, "hey! Get to work!

Freshman are NOT nature!" And the whole class busted up laughing and replied, "No they're not!!"

End of Term Giggles

So there have been a few funny random things that have happened this week as the term is coming to a close, which is good, because seriously...these kids...they are KILLING ME with their late work and excuses and whining this week!

Scenario 1: Student Stalker

student: Hey, Ms. Hammer! I saw you at the gym last night. You were wearing a hoodie. Who wears a hoodie in the gym?

me: uhhh...people who are either entering from a colder outdoor parking lot or exiting to one... and you know, that's not creepy at all that you are spying on me at the gym.

student: yeah, ha ha....

a few minutes later, talking with this same student I ask: Hey, when are you going to turn in all your missing assignments so I don't have to flunk you?

student: Uhh...How about at the gym tonight?

Uhhh...how about you turn it in tomorrow like a NORMAL HUMAN you punk stalker kid.


Scenario 2: A lesson in Stereotyping

Towards the end of the term I have had these posses of kids come and hang out in my room to turn in their late work. Some of the kids who come aren't even in my class! Go you little nerds! Frolic and be free! Live your life before your job sucks it out of you!

Anyway, during one of these late work parties, one of my Freshman, who is of latino descent, asks me: Ms. Hammer, you are from Oregon, right?

Me: Yeah.

Student: Are you a hippie?

Me: Do I look like a hippie? Do you only eat burritos?

Students: Ha ha... good point.

Am I a hippie? Seriously, what kind of a question is that?

Scenario 3: Mo' Twitter Talk


I received more twitter talk this week on one of the late work assignments turned in. I am reading over the paper, when I notice a label on top of the paper that reads: #quiz...

REALLY? HASHTAG QUIZ? Is it too hard to just write a little note that says, by the way Ms. Hammer, here is my quiz re-take...even Quiz 1 would suffice, but #quiz?!!? Oy vey!



Scenario 4: I like your bun

So this example isn't necessarily linked to anything specifically end of term related, except that it happened during this week, which is the end of the term.

So I was walking around monitoring students and one of girls put her super long hair into a bun right on top of her head and I told her, "hey I like your bun!"

And one of my other students was like, "say, what?! Did you just tell her you like her butt?!?"

And I was like, "What?! You better believe I did NOT! I said I like her bun...her HAIR."

And then everyone snickered and the student was like, "oh, I thought you said you liked her butt"

And the girl with the bun said: well, you know, that is nice too.

Me: No comment...moving on....

Note to self: Never ever EVER comment on the buns of girls...or boys for that matter....

All things lead to all things inappropriate

This week I have learned that no matter what the topic, a teenager can, and usually will, take it from something pure and wholesome and transform it into something vile and completely inappropriate. If I weren't in charge of turning these little punks into reputable citizens, I would almost be impressed by their twisted skills.

Exhibit A: I told my students to get into partnerships to complete an activity. The assignment was to have one partner close his or her eyes while the other partner described an object to that person. The intent was to have them see how imagery can help a person describe an object... well, you know what they say...the road to Hell is paved with good intentions... here is what I got from one group.

I noticed them giggling and so I decided I probably needed to investigate.

Student: It's long.

group: giggle, giggle, giggle

Student: It's hard.

group: giggle, giggle, giggle

Student: it's about the width of a quarter.

group: giggle, giggle, giggle

student: it's wet

group: giggle, giggle, giggle

student: you can lick it.

group: HYSTERICAL laughter.

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DESCRIBING!?!?!?

student (smirking): a popsicle, Ms. Hammer. Why, what did you think it was?

NASTY PUNK KIDS!!!



Exhibit B:

I was walking around the room, checking to make sure everyone was on task when one of my students stopped me.

student: Ms. Hammer, do you like my shirt?

The shirt said, 'Uranus' with a picture of the planet above it.

me: it looks lovely. How scientific of you.

student: Ms. Hammer, it's a pun, get it?

me: wha...Ohhhh.... (what am I supposed to say to that?!?!?!)

student: We learned about puns so I had to wear it.

me: charming, M.

I am so glad he could find a way to apply his learning in the real world...


Exhibit C:

So I wore a blue skirt to school the other day...the same blue skirt I've had for months and all of the sudden this Junior of mine is like, "Ms. Hammer, I like your style." "Ms. Hammer you are so pretty." "Ms. Hammer, you look good today." And then to top it all of he blows a kiss at me.

To all of this my response was, "Inappropriate, I. get going on your project!"

To which his response was, "Why is this inappropriate?"

To which my response was, "because I am your OLD BORING TEACHER!"

By the end of the period I was irritated by his disrespect as well as nervous to have to deal with him again next class. When kids pull this crap it is really dangerous because of all those stories of teachers hooking up with students out there. And let me just clearly state that I don't want ANYTHING to do with that. So, I had made up my mind if it happened again, I would report it to the office.

Well, well, well....the next day this kid shows up and he is on crutches with a sorely sprained ankle. Not that I found pleasure in his pain, but there was a part of me that wanted to yell, "BOOM! THAT'S KARMA BRO!" Perhaps he will think twice before he entices the wrath of the universe for heckling young, inexperienced English teachers again.

Twitter Talk

It is becoming an epidemic in our society. With all of our new social networking and other technology for quick and simple communication, people are starting to use abbreviations or shortened, butchered versions of words to get their point across faster and in fewer characters. But now it is crossing from the world of the computer and phone screens into everyday conversation. When will it end? Pretty soon our conversations will be co
mposed of various letter/number/symbol combos lacking even one legitimate word! Can anyone say 1984?

Anyway, I will get off my soapbox and get to the point. I like to refer to this as twitter talk: language used by lazy, over-teched people. My students have been using quite a bit of it lately, so I'll give you some highlights.

1) Today I had to talk with a couple of students about a situation that occurred while I was on vacation. One student kicked another student out of their group and made him feel pretty bad. So here is a portion of that conversation.

Me.: P., what happened?

P.: Well, Ms. Hammer, T. and C. asked if they could join our group and we were like, totes, we are friends with everyone, so we don't have any problems with you joining our group. Then T. and C. got in a fight and C. kicked T. out of the group and that's what happened.

And there you have it. Tow-tow-inapro-pro, but totes true :)

 2) Me: H., why do you think Mark Twain wrote this into his novel?

H: I. D. K.

Me: Hold up, did you just spout out letters at me because not only do you not know the answer, but you can't even muster the brain power to form the words to express your lack of knowledge?????!

H: ha ha ha...yeah...

#if you haven't seen the Jimmy Fallon/Justin Timberlake hashtag
spoof--WATCH IT!

3) My students were working on discussion questions together when I overheard one group who had veered completely off task.

B: I can't believe it! I was like 'hashtag,' what the crap!? You know?

Seriously? #get to work #oh, the rising generation #I don't get paid enough.

Freshman Funnies

Here are a few of the recent Freshman Funnies:

1.) K.: Ms. Hammer?

Me: Yes

K.: Do you have a lisp?

Me: Yeah, why?

K.: Just wondering.

Thank you K, for just wondering out loud. Nothing like 14 year old students to boost your self-esteem.

2.) Me: Pull out your To Kill a Mockingbird Books!

R.: Tequila Mockingbird?! When did we start reading that? That sounds awesome!

Yes R., it does. I could definitely use me a good Tequila Mockingbird about right now...





3.) Me: B, YOU HAVE NOTHING WRITTEN ON YOUR PAPER!

B., without even miss a beat responds: I know!

Well, okay then. I guess I appreciate your lack of bogus excuses.

October 3: Early Out Day

Today each class was only an hour long so that teachers could go to meetings all afternoon. In my planning last night I was stoked, because think of how excited they will be that they only have to be in each class for an hour! They will be enthusiastic and involved and just, well, great!

Oh the naivete!

Instead I got responses like these...

5th Period: Juniors
Me: Aren't you guys stoked that you get done with class at noon?

K.: Ms. Hammer it is so stupid that they have early outs because on like regular days, like, I am not even up until after we are out today. Like, it doesn't make sense to like make kids go to school, like, only in the morning.

J.: Dude, you still go to four hours of school. It's not like you don't go to class.

K.: Whatever... I wasn't even going to come today, but I decided to show up

Me: Well K., I'm, like, so glad you decided to, like, take one for the team.

7th Period: Juniors
S.: Ms. Hammer, since class is so short anyway and half of the class is on field trips can we just have a day where we do nothing?

Me: Yeah, okay.

S.: Really

Me: NO!

5 minutes later.

S.: May I use the restroom?

Me: Sure.

10 minutes later I notice S. has not yet returned.

Me: Where is S.?

Class: dunno...

I walk over to his desk where his assignment is and leave the following anonymous note:

5 minutes later, with the class staring at him, S. returns.

S.: What the?! Who left this!?

He looks up at me.

Me: Boooooo....

October 2nd: Strip Club

So today's highlights include E. putting googly eyes over his own and staring at me intently as I explained concluding paragraphs as well as J. ripping off his shirt in the middle of class because he was too hot, so he needed to change to his tank top. Thank you 8th period for at least waiting until AFTER my mentor teacher and the Vice principal both came in to observe.

Oddly enough, J. has not been my only stripper. A Junior of mine also ripped off his shirt in a sensually satiric rendition of the old classic, Hansel and Gretel.


                KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON YOU WEIRDOS!!!!!

Best of the First 7 weeks of School

Teaching is HARD! In a lot of ways this internship is the hardest thing I have ever done! That being said, it is the best thing I have ever done. I love working with my bratty teenagers and trying to get them to care about literature and communication. I love talking to the other teachers and feeding off of their passion. But most of all, I love how these kids make me LAUGH!

In order to remember all of the funny things that happen in class, I have decided to compile a blog of the funny stuff they say. As we are seven weeks in, I will do my best to remember the highlights thus far.

1) Day 2: Juniors- we are learning about satire and so in an attempt to engage my students I showed a
clip by John Stewart about Super Pacs. I thought I had previewed and found it acceptable...but clearly I was wrong...I showed the clip in class and the word 'BONER' shoots across the screen and my students are DYING. Mortified I apologize and I. informs me that I can disable comments on youtube videos. WORST. TEACHER. EVER. Needless to say I have been much more thorough in my previewing of clips for class.



2) Freshman- Me: "We are going to write about things we are passionate about in our writer's notebooks. What are your hobbies? talents? What do you care about?"

M.: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

Me: M., you are writing, not speaking.

M.: I am just telling so-and-so about my passions.

Me: M., be passionate to yourself.

I survey the rest of the class for a few seconds and turn back to M.. He is now stroking and petting himself.

Me: M.! Why are you not writing?!

M.: I am being passionate to myself.




3) Juniors- Me: "True sarcasm is mean! It is meant to be hurtful! Can somebody give an example of a truly sarcastic remark?"

J.: "I've got one."

Me: "Alright, let's hear it."

J.: "You are a good teacher."





4) Juniors: So, M. is a perpetuately tardy kid and we have had many battles. Everyday he goes off-campus to get food and every day he is late. Finally he has lunch detention and informs me before class that he is going to be there during lunch as required. In my mind I am stoked because he will be on time to class. Wrong. 20 minutes into class he walks in.

M.: "Sorry I am late Ms. Hammer."

Me: "Bogus. Why are you late? Didn't you go to detention?"

M.: "Yeah, but OBVIOUSLY I had to go get lunch after that."

Boooo....



5) Juniors: Again, another M. story. When M. is in class, he likes to sit around and do nothing, especially when asked.

Me: "M., why aren't you taking notes on your paper?"

M.: "I have summer brain, you know how it is."

THE NEXT CLASS:

Me: "Turn in your notes from last class."

M.: "What the crap!? We never did this in class! When did we do this?!"

Me: "We did it last class. I believe you told me that you had...what did you call it?... oh yes, summer brain."





6) Freshman: My students are cannibal-zombie weirdos!
(This occurred while being observed by my BYU professor...fan-FREAKING-tastic!)

"S., no biting other students." (yes, an exact quote)

THE NEXT CLASS:

S.: "Can I bite you?"

Me: "No, but I appreciate you asking."





7) Freshman:

Me: S. put away your phone or I will take it.

S.: "p-shaw"

10 minutes later

K.: "You should just take her phone now anyway. That is totally rude."

Me: "If I take it now, I will being going against my word. Don't worry though. I am positive that we have not seen the last of that phone in class today."

2 minutes later S.'s phone is out again.

Me: "S., phone."

S.: "Dang it!!"





8) An email I received from a concerned parent after using Miley Cyrus and society's consumption of her songs, videos, ect. as an example of satire:



 Ms. Hammer,
>>
>> I was just looking at the satire project for English. My heart sank when I saw that you used Miley Cyrus and her antics for the example. Here is why, my son and many other teenage boys are trying really hard to keep virtuous thoughts and their hormones under control. This is such a hard thing to do when immoral material is constantly thrown in front of your eyes. I agree with the point you are making about Miley and it is a good one. But perhaps picking a satiric situation that isn't loaded with so much sexual content. It sends confusing messages to boys and frankly to girls as well.
>>
>> Thanks for listening. I really appreciate and understand how much work you are doing to set up new curriculum. Thank you!
>>
>> Have a great weekend.
>>
>> J.H.

For the record, the example only said people are consuming more of her than ever, despite their statements that she is ridiculous and out-of-control...there were no songs played. No movies watched. No words coming close to anything risque....only in Utah County.

WATCH OUT TIMPVIEW....MS. HAMMER IS HERE TO STEAL THE VIRTUE OF YOUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS!!!!





9) Juniors: So J. and M., whom you have already heard tale of, are my two long-haired punks. On picture day Jackson walks in with a neck brace, head wrap and slip, which was concerning as the day before he had been 100% a-okay. 

Me: J.! Are you okay what happened?!

NOT ACTUALLY J.

J.: Ms. Hammer, it's picture day.

Me: Yeah...so...

J.: It's PICTURE day.

I then looked over at M. who had decided to style his lovely locks into two pixie ponies right on top of his head...I want those pictures...BAD!





That's all I can remember for now. But there will be more!